I have a cat sitting on my hands and, thus, my keyboard. Apparently, it’s not acceptable that I’m still trying to type. She keeps rubbing her face against mine and pulling at my hands to pet her. She’s a cute, three-year-old cat that is a little snarky, occasionally cuddly, and surprisingly patient with the torture my three boys put her through. Yet she loves them. But what does this have to do with getting your partner on board with your ideas?
My Husband Isn’t a Cat
I wish getting my partner on board with every new thing I find was as easy as appeasing our cat. A treat, a good brush, and a few minutes of tolerating her kneading, and she’s happy as a clam. Jokes aside, I recognize the fact that my husband is more complex than a cat, and that’s a good thing. When I get too enthusiastic about a new idea, he reigns me in by playing devil’s advocate. That’s the magic of being in a relationship.
However, a while ago, I stumbled upon the ChooseFI (FI stands for Financial Independence) podcast, and the more I listen, the more curious I become. I know that I’ve found one of my tribes (I’m pretty sure I have several). This community is financially savvy, thinks about things slightly differently, gamifies the optimization of their lives, and is an extremely supportive space.
But apparently, I’m horrible at communicating the ideas I’ve learned to my husband. He’s instantly skeptical and immediately jumps into the devil’s advocate role anytime I mention ChooseFI in passing. For a long time, it felt like a wall went up anytime I mentioned finance. It’s hard because I know that the principles I’m learning will help make our lives better. They make sense, they resonate with what we already believe, and there’s nothing shady about it.
Baby Steps to Getting Your Partner on Board
Despite the pushback, I did have a win yesterday. My husband hasn’t been very happy with his job. It’s okay (which I hate…I want him to enjoy putting eight hours a day into something), but he doesn’t know where it’s going. It doesn’t let him help people like he wants to. Add to that the myriad of health issues he was “lucky” to be landed with, and it’s easy to tell he’s not fulfilled at his job. It breaks my heart.
However, we were discussing his job situation yesterday. He mentioned wanting to have a conversation with his boss about potential vertical movement and a pay raise. Though I want him to find a job he really enjoys, he’s focused on staying put and providing enough for our family (I’m home with our kids full-time). I love him for that—for being willing to sacrifice the chance at finding something he loves for the safety of a solid job with good benefits. But I hate that he feels unsafe stepping back to make a change that he so desperately wants.
1. Find Natural Connections
People are wired to want to do the correct things and hold the correct ideas. They want to do what’s right. Therefore, if something seems likely to help them or improve their life, they are much more likely to pay attention.
In my case, my husband wanted to have power over his situation. Enter the idea of FU money—the concept of saving enough money that you’re comfortable quitting your job or refusing to do something if you don’t want to. This savings fund ideally covers a few months (or more) of your expenses, but everyone’s number is different. It depends on the number that makes you comfortable.
I slid this concept into the conversation with my husband without mentioning where I’d learned it, and he received it gladly! Even when I told him the idea came from the Choose FI podcast, he still thought it was great. It was a relevant, natural connection to what we were currently going through, and he was open to potential solutions. He loved the idea of having several months (enough for us) cushion so he would no longer need to fear losing or quitting his job. Finally, something had resonated with him. It was like magic.
2. Consider Timing
People can put more or less effort into evaluating a message depending on the time you pitch it to them. In times of stress or distraction, they may simply agree or insist they can’t make a decision until they’re in a different place and time. In my case, I’d brought up concepts out of the blue or, at times, when my husband was distracted, and it never went well. It wasn’t until he was focused on our conversation that he could really evaluate what I was trying to share with him. I think that’s an incredible consideration when trying to get your partner on board.
3. Are They Already Biased Against the Argument?
According to Psychology Today, if your partner is knowledgeable about the topic you’re discussing and/or convinced you’re wrong, it’s best to address them directly with facts and logic. If they are calm, relaxed, and not on guard to resist persuasion attempts, you can use more “peripheral” cues to help, such as:
- Ask them questions about their thoughts on the broader topic. This helps them become more comfortable with their own opinions and feelings.
- Leave an article out for them to read.
- Use emotional appeals.
Just remember that addressing something directly is more likely to create lasting change than indirect persuasion will (such as using the peripheral cues mentioned above).
4. Use Scarcity and/or Urgency if Appropriate
If there is a genuine scarcity of something that has to do with your persuasive appeal, then it’s fine to use that. Some things are truly limited due to availability. You can also be more persuasive by using urgency if waiting could diminish the potential positive impact. In my situation above, urgency came into play when we realized the longer we waited to start funding an FU money account, the longer my husband would have to stay at a job he didn’t like with little power to change his situation. However, please always be truthful. Don’t make up something just to persuade your partner to do something. Trust is easy to break and hard to build.
5. Transfer Your Energy
In the Forbes article called “The 21 Principles of Persuasion,” it says, “The most persuasive people know how to transfer their energy to others, to motivate and invigorate them. Sometimes, it’s as straightforward as eye contact, physical touch, laughter, excitement in verbal responses, or even just active listening.”
Don’t forget that your partner loves and cares about you. If you’re excited, show it! If you’re hurt or sad because something needs to change but hasn’t, don’t be afraid to show that either. Always be genuine when working on getting your partner on board. Any sort of deception removes the potential magic of working together toward a common goal.
Things to Remember When Getting Your Partner on Board
- Persuasion is not manipulation. Manipulation is when you try to coerce someone through force to get them to do something that is not in their own interest. Persuasion is the art of getting people to do things that are in their own best interest that also benefit you.
- Keep reciprocity in mind. If you’re unwilling to compromise on anything with your partner, then they may act the same when you’re trying to persuade them to do something. Doing little things for your partner will naturally create a feeling of indebtedness in them toward you, as it’s part of our evolutionary DNA to help each other out.
- People who are persistent and continually provide value tend to be the most persuasive.
The situation I mentioned above is just one example of the many times my husband and I have had to discuss things and figure out how we feel about them. We’ve changed our minds when provided with more information, let the other take the lead because they felt more passionately about it, etc.
Persuading my husband to embrace one concept of financial independence was a win for me, and I genuinely think it will help us. It was just a step, but that’s all it takes, right? To reach our goals, we have to work together.
Let me know in the comments if you’ve ever had an experience with getting your partner on board. What did you do? How did it turn out?
All my love,
Kyra